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Thursday, January 17th, 2008
4:43 am - Life is about rejection, it's what makes us stronger. -Janice Dickenson
Its 4:44.....and make a wish...

So..... I have not written in LJ since I think it said November 2005. An awful lot has changed in my life, in myself, and everything around me. I honestly have no idea what made me think to randomly go check LJ but as I sat here bored and unable to sleep with my computer in my lap I thought I would go check out my long lost cyberfriend Frank .....haha in other words....thought I'd check out LJ and see whats happening.

I have found myself in a slight rut....and my slight I mean extensive. But since I always have people around this place to keep me up and moving and "worryless" I find myself with no time to feel depressed.
As I go back and read various journals from previous experiences in my life...it makes m feel so grown and sad. It makes me sad for many many many reasons.
It makes me sad because 1. I think back to my depressed days back at home when alot of stuff had happened and alot of things changed. When I think back to when Christopher was around at Dads and then when he wasnt...it always gets me chocked up. That was a very emotional, lonely time in my life. And I was lonely only because I chose to be that way. I think about all the endless delusional nights I used to spend locked up in that little comfort zone I used to stay in(particularly my first room at dads) and used to run things through my head again and again and cry my eyes out and not have to worry about them being so red and swollen the next day because it was a daily process and I was so used to it that it didnt matter if I cried for 5 hours or 5 minutes. I think about how I cared so much about so many things and only focused on those things and yet didnt care at all about other things(like school).
I, all the time, think about how I wish I could go back to those times and play them over...go back a few years and makes some minor changes. I get sad also 2. because I think about when I went to CT. and I sit back and try to think if I made a mistake coming here to Savannah. I honestly dont know what I can say. Alot of times I want to say yes it was. BUT I dont regret coming here. I cant live my life on regrets and mistakes. I thought that I was broke and financially unstable when I lived in CT....but reality is...I really wasnt broke there. I just didnt have alot of money. But I could always go spending it and still be okay. Here I dont go buying alot of stuff or even groceries for that matter due to having to save each penny for this bill or that bill or rent or whatever. It makes me sad that I ruined what I had with drew. I had something So insanely great up there.
AND the really sad thing was I always said my friends and my family will always be there and I can always depend on them...and now I know otherwise.
I have thought alot about what I am going to do next year and I feel so lost. I feel like I want to get out of Savannah so bad for my own sake...its so expensive here. Granted, I LOVE it here and I have made SO MANY awesome friends...Its time to go. BUT....where on earth could I even go?????
getting into some of the conversations i have gotten into lately with someone....I simply stated....you know I wonder what I am going to do next year and I want to be in school so bad. and how if i wanted to go back to marietta there is NO WHERE for me to go.
There really isnt. There is too much to even mention. I just cant do it. I honestly dont even call it home anymore. and the sad thing is that i think i would consider myrtle beach more of home than marietta due to the fact that i feel wanted more there and loved more there.
But then again....I cant go to school in SC without paying out of state. I feel as though I have NOWHERE to go.
And it makes me sad because when I sit and think about being with andrew and the things that i got into with mom or dad at any time...i always knew he was there.
I wish I knew why I feel so fucked up in the head sometimes....or all the time. I am truly sensitive....in my own way. i dont get offended easily unless its someone i care deeply about or feel strongly about. but I try so hard to put up this guard to shield, or better yet cover up my sensitivity.
Lets be real, a lot of us cant deal with reality...and i dont get how many of us can not connect and understand life and reality as a whole. be giving, caring, understanding, calm, and most of all true to yourself.
Because honestly I look back at certain times where I acted badly or wrongly and give certain people the right to have something against me...such as andrew.
but there are still many times where i feel as though i acted accordingly to my feelings and still get looked down upon....and all i was ever asking was for an understanding and maybe a little love. at least show that you care.
there are alot of times where I just want to go home to marietta SO SO bad...and I cant explain how excited I get as I drive that long boring drive and after I get there I realize that I am so ready to go back....because it was all just a dream.
Over Christmas 2007 I was literally jumping up and down screeching on the phone because I was so excited about christmas and going home and seeing everyone. and honestly....i didnt care what i got for christmas. i mean my mother and stepdad gave me a shirt, pajama pants, and socks. which is totally okay. ALL i really truly wanted was to have a carefree vacation, a great christmas, and to just be happy. and instead...a cried alot and at one point had absolutely NO WHERE to go and ended up on my dads couch.  its all i wanted...and at the end i wished i just stayed in Savannah by myself or with my local friends. I couldnt handle it.
I just wish things were different. My family are my friends...and it saddens me but makes me happy at the same time.
and alot of times its "my fault" because i dont go that extra mile. but alot of times i need time. i need space....and its how i heal. i dont mean to be so vague with everything but its the honest to god truth.
and i realize that people dont understand because i see it. i see it, i hear it and its sad to say that i have given up trying...i cant make people know and see and understand. So many people change which is fine....but u cant just forget.
you live and you learn ..... and you can only keep moving forward. Im tired of feeling like im taken advantage of, taken forgranted, violated, or looked past....by alot of people....not just family...but further.

I have alot of goals for this year....some of which have already been checked off
-quit smoking (done)
-take my vitamins everyday(done so far)
-save 50 bucks every sunday in my side shoe box for my savings
-start running(kinda)
-make a plan for school to hopefully start back in summer, in other words find a loan or work something out
-eat healthier

all the health stuff is due to the fact that i have been sick alllll the time here....the worst its ever been. i am trying to boost my immune system. i am just overall trying to become a better person and see if things get better for myself as a whole.

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, November 1st, 2005
10:10 pm
I am officially getting slammed...
I feel like there isnt a time where I dont have a test or some stupid long ass paper/lab report to type. I am seriously getting slammed. Taking 5 classes and 2 of them being labs sucks....it might be okay if i werent taking sciences. but....i am taking 2 and they require so much of my brain.
Like I am taking theater...and to be honest...with my more important classes(chem and bio) I dont have time to read books and write papers...which I still have to do...but never the time.
I met with my advisor today....here is her CRAZY suggestion for me...

So you need to take the next chemistry( chem 121), Compartitive vertebrate anatomy(apparently hard as fuck), CALCULUS(mat 150), and and L course(here they require 3 L-courses to be done before you grad.-they are extensive writing courses...on top of the class itself...just has alot of writing)....

UMMMMMM FIRST OF all.... THATS CRAZY> my plan was taking chem121, eng 217(only one left-its a literature class-and an L course), Math 108(math for natural sciences), and Philosophy 100.

Because Chemistry is ROYALLLLY kicking my asssss. I dont think I can take another semester of it. I think I need to change my major. My advisor was acting like it should be no problem for me. and says I need to take calculus instead of 108-but i dont want to take calculus.

Oh well...I am screwed either way....because this semester sucks.
I miss home.
I am so stressed out. And so sore. I ran over 5 miles yesterday. for a "walk-a-thon" but hey ummm we had to run it. errrr. so it was really a "run-a-thon".

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Saturday, August 27th, 2005
11:35 am - EXHAUSTED
So wed and thurs were COMPLETELY exhausting. Drew has class at 8 and I was gone before he even left. It was sad. And didnt get back until late both nights. It was cool though. I have friends there now. We had our little transfer groups they split us up in. We all just followed each other around and ended up hanging out the whole time. They are all living in the dorms though. So we went to the dorms. And I cant beleive how strict they are here. I have been in soooo many different colleges dorms and like here you have tosign people in and shit even if they just come and then leave. I have heard those rules before...but never saw them go by it. It crazy.
Its pretty big. We walked and walked and walked allllll day long both days. They had free stuff everywhere and fairs. And even a party/dance in the huge orientation tent. but I left I was so tired. and The music was so loud. IT was CRAZY>! but fun in a was. Free meals and food.
But hey we all got each others numbers. There are people from all over. From new york and from UConn. and other states.
I know people on campus now though. and like one commuter.
I also am working at a vet this week to see how it goes. I just called them though about my schedule....I failed to tell them that I am cheering. and about how its always at night and the earliest I will have anything is 5pm. I asked them if this would be a conflict.
Because when I emailed the guy i was saying how i am in school...i wouldnt be full time and i didnt know if he wanted to work with that.
So i made it completely clear that I am going to school FULLTIME...17 hours. And whatever and still working at the CB on the weekends. It sounds like hes pretty demanding. But its like thats why I wrote my email like that. If he doesnt want to hire me because of hours and stuff I completely understand. But I dont want him to give me all this and like I dunno...
I am just starting to have second thought about it. Like yea I may be broke just working at the CB on weekends but I dont want to die of exhaustion!!! Like I have morning classes....and then going straight to the vet and then going straight to school again for practice. and then coming home and studying...which may be hard being completely exhausted!
I just dont know right now...I should have waited to consider the job thing. at least until school started. cuz now I will be starting the job on my first day of school...monday.

After orientation our little clique was eating and we were like man i cant beleive its finally over. And we were all like oh my god i feel like i have known you forever!! It was hilarious...and very VERY weird.

But its exciting.
I am just so tired. I am a night owl...everyone knows that. And i was in bed by 12 asleep!

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Tuesday, August 23rd, 2005
5:08 pm
About to get a second job at a vet. I go to discuss it with the Doc. tomorrow.

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Friday, August 19th, 2005
12:23 am
I just thought I would put a few words in before some of you will never read my journal again...

I never make my journals private because it is how I feel...It is my opinion. And frankly, I see myself as a really easygoing person. Yes it has been hard for me to accept a few things but you know...I come around. I deal with things...try to make them better. I hate drama. I am not stupid...I know people read my journals...and I dont have a problem with it. You read it...see what you dont want to see...then maybe you shouldnt go out of the way to do so anymore. Thats your choice.
I love the family. I have nothing against anyone. Truthfully....nothing. Although we were raised differently and have been through different situations...I understand things may be different. I have alot...I mean ALOT of respect for my dad. Dad has been through alot...we all have. I want nothing more than for dad to be happy. Dad is my hero. Same for all of you. I want you all to be happy. I thank dad for EVERYTHING he gives me. I find myself so lucky to have someone like dad in my life. He has very often been the only one there for me at times. He has done SO MUCH for all of us. We have all done things for each other though...dont get me wrong.
I am truely sorry that my words offend people...I really am. I guess I should just act as though everything is so grand and perfect. Although life isnt perfect.
I just get sad that no one asks me what is the situation or problem...or why i feel the way I do. But you know...I understand. I manage.
I do not HATE any of you. I care about you all. I guess sometimes I wish things could go a little differently...but hey...doesnt everyone.
Sometimes I wish I could say everything I felt...but I cant. And i never do because I dont really WANT to offend anyone...although I have...and I am very ssorry.
I do care about all of you...I dont intend to make you upset...I just wish you would listen and give me a chance. I wish someone would be open to understanding.
I cant tell you how bad I feel...I am bawling as I am typing this and my eyes swollen to the size of golfballs with a splitting headache.
I know some of you probably think I am a bad person...its all perspective I guess.
I guess no one will ever give me the chance...or even try to understand.
Its reality.
I cant beat myself up over it anymore.
So long...and goodnight

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Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
4:05 pm
Well I got back from my visit last night.

and by the way....
Brian- I am so sorry I didnt get to call or hang out again on Sunday. I was so busy and running around all day and night.

My visit was very good. I visited Christopher alot. I really miss home when just me and dad hang out. Or when I hang out with Christopher. Even more with me christopher and dad. Reminds me of old times. I love dad to death. Christopher and I understand Dad so much. Respect dad so much. Same morals and stuff about life. I cant wait to see them again.
I didnt even go to sleep on monday night. Me and tara went to a Playground and talked for like 3 hours and swang on the swings and talked about our problems and thoughts. It was so nice. I really miss high school because of that...thats the only reason I miss high school. Tara and I would have talking nights like those and its just like so relieving in a way. Its peaceful.
I cried when I said bye to tara at the airport :'(
It was sad.
I miss home alot but everytime I go back I think about how I feel like I couldnt go back and live there again. It hasnt felt like home since way before I left...and I find that really sad.

I picked up my books that were in today. I have a shitload. I have like 3 monstrous books to read for History that I wasnt even aware of. And like 3 or 4 books/ plays/ or shakespeare for Theater.
Dad said to pay for all of them but I feel really bad so the other 2 that arent in yet...they said I can pay with my own card(because alll the books I have now were 300 total and I still have a Chemistry book and lab book and a Health book on the way)...so I will do that...and I want to send dad a check. Well not even a check...I wish I could send him something and he would spend it on himself. Like a gift. I dont want to send him a check and turn around and pay like for someone elses stuff. I just want him to know that I am thankful. I sent him a message on the way to the airport saying he was the greatest and I had fun with him.
It is funny talking to christopher about dad and how we want the best for him.

I havent been on livejournal much lately. Or even really the computer much for that matter. But when I am I guess I check out Facebook and MYSpace more than livejournal. oh well.

Anyway I need to get ready for work...I have to be there at 5. Man do I want another Job. Christopher applied at the douglasville cracker barrel...but they had no positions open in the kitchen right now. EVERYWHERE is turning him down. And he is trying so hard to find someplace. I look up to him so much.

I need to go....jees.

current mood: calm

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Friday, June 24th, 2005
12:29 pm
I love how my family is trying to "secretly" break into my livejournal.

...I know.

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