So..... I have not written in LJ since I think it said November 2005. An awful lot has changed in my life, in myself, and everything around me. I honestly have no idea what made me think to randomly go check LJ but as I sat here bored and unable to sleep with my computer in my lap I thought I would go check out my long lost cyberfriend Frank .....haha in other words....thought I'd check out LJ and see whats happening.
I have found myself in a slight rut....and my slight I mean extensive. But since I always have people around this place to keep me up and moving and "worryless" I find myself with no time to feel depressed.
As I go back and read various journals from previous experiences in my life...it makes m feel so grown and sad. It makes me sad for many many many reasons.
It makes me sad because 1. I think back to my depressed days back at home when alot of stuff had happened and alot of things changed. When I think back to when Christopher was around at Dads and then when he wasnt...it always gets me chocked up. That was a very emotional, lonely time in my life. And I was lonely only because I chose to be that way. I think about all the endless delusional nights I used to spend locked up in that little comfort zone I used to stay in(particularly my first room at dads) and used to run things through my head again and again and cry my eyes out and not have to worry about them being so red and swollen the next day because it was a daily process and I was so used to it that it didnt matter if I cried for 5 hours or 5 minutes. I think about how I cared so much about so many things and only focused on those things and yet didnt care at all about other things(like school).
I, all the time, think about how I wish I could go back to those times and play them over...go back a few years and makes some minor changes. I get sad also 2. because I think about when I went to CT. and I sit back and try to think if I made a mistake coming here to Savannah. I honestly dont know what I can say. Alot of times I want to say yes it was. BUT I dont regret coming here. I cant live my life on regrets and mistakes. I thought that I was broke and financially unstable when I lived in CT....but reality is...I really wasnt broke there. I just didnt have alot of money. But I could always go spending it and still be okay. Here I dont go buying alot of stuff or even groceries for that matter due to having to save each penny for this bill or that bill or rent or whatever. It makes me sad that I ruined what I had with drew. I had something So insanely great up there.
AND the really sad thing was I always said my friends and my family will always be there and I can always depend on them...and now I know otherwise.
I have thought alot about what I am going to do next year and I feel so lost. I feel like I want to get out of Savannah so bad for my own sake...its so expensive here. Granted, I LOVE it here and I have made SO MANY awesome friends...Its time to go. BUT....where on earth could I even go?????
getting into some of the conversations i have gotten into lately with someone....I simply stated....you know I wonder what I am going to do next year and I want to be in school so bad. and how if i wanted to go back to marietta there is NO WHERE for me to go.
There really isnt. There is too much to even mention. I just cant do it. I honestly dont even call it home anymore. and the sad thing is that i think i would consider myrtle beach more of home than marietta due to the fact that i feel wanted more there and loved more there.
But then again....I cant go to school in SC without paying out of state. I feel as though I have NOWHERE to go.
And it makes me sad because when I sit and think about being with andrew and the things that i got into with mom or dad at any time...i always knew he was there.
I wish I knew why I feel so fucked up in the head sometimes....or all the time. I am truly sensitive....in my own way. i dont get offended easily unless its someone i care deeply about or feel strongly about. but I try so hard to put up this guard to shield, or better yet cover up my sensitivity.
Lets be real, a lot of us cant deal with reality...and i dont get how many of us can not connect and understand life and reality as a whole. be giving, caring, understanding, calm, and most of all true to yourself.
Because honestly I look back at certain times where I acted badly or wrongly and give certain people the right to have something against me...such as andrew.
but there are still many times where i feel as though i acted accordingly to my feelings and still get looked down upon....and all i was ever asking was for an understanding and maybe a little love. at least show that you care.
there are alot of times where I just want to go home to marietta SO SO bad...and I cant explain how excited I get as I drive that long boring drive and after I get there I realize that I am so ready to go back....because it was all just a dream.
Over Christmas 2007 I was literally jumping up and down screeching on the phone because I was so excited about christmas and going home and seeing everyone. and honestly....i didnt care what i got for christmas. i mean my mother and stepdad gave me a shirt, pajama pants, and socks. which is totally okay. ALL i really truly wanted was to have a carefree vacation, a great christmas, and to just be happy. and instead...a cried alot and at one point had absolutely NO WHERE to go and ended up on my dads couch. its all i wanted...and at the end i wished i just stayed in Savannah by myself or with my local friends. I couldnt handle it.
I just wish things were different. My family are my friends...and it saddens me but makes me happy at the same time.
and alot of times its "my fault" because i dont go that extra mile. but alot of times i need time. i need space....and its how i heal. i dont mean to be so vague with everything but its the honest to god truth.
and i realize that people dont understand because i see it. i see it, i hear it and its sad to say that i have given up trying...i cant make people know and see and understand. So many people change which is fine....but u cant just forget.
you live and you learn ..... and you can only keep moving forward. Im tired of feeling like im taken advantage of, taken forgranted, violated, or looked past....by alot of people....not just family...but further.
I have alot of goals for this year....some of which have already been checked off
-quit smoking (done)
-take my vitamins everyday(done so far)
-save 50 bucks every sunday in my side shoe box for my savings
-make a plan for school to hopefully start back in summer, in other words find a loan or work something out
all the health stuff is due to the fact that i have been sick alllll the time here....the worst its ever been. i am trying to boost my immune system. i am just overall trying to become a better person and see if things get better for myself as a whole.